i want to be real with you all and tell you that there are things i struggle with on a daily basis... and they've been not only catching up with me, but overtaking me.
yesterday... well... it was a really bad day. i felt myself sinking low. thoughts of sadness in large portions flooded my heart and mind. i can't really say that i have ANYthing to be sad about, other than the normal things us momma's stew over.... -whether we will have ample time to teach our children well enough before they are gone, and if they'll stay on the path we have dug hard to make for them. -how long before i turn back to healthy ways of feeding my body, so that when i look in the mirror i don't feel shame and regret. -how can i trust my children wont tire of the chaos that envelopes our home; having two parents who are not schedule driven by any means.... -how can those i thought were friends; those i've spent time ministering to, and getting ministered from, turn and walk away and not look back and not seem to care that my heart is left gaping, wondering why; how can you sever me from the body and not notice the bleeding?
worry, fear, pain, regret... whoa... like, LOTS of regret here in this soul. when it all comes hard, and the lessons i am trying to grasp and use and fight to uphold seem to slip like sand through the fingers...... it comes. empty. knowing there is nothing left in your thoughts that is healthy, pure, lovely and certainly not of God.
in a frantic hurry i must write it all down. i quickly grab a pencil and paper and slip into my room as hoping no one noticed. i sketch out the shape of a head, even having to erase the nose and mouth a few times. still is a struggle..ugh-perfectionism. all these words i think, i feel, i seem to be living everyday... more and more things rush in as i start to hear them, almost audibly now as i quickly sketch out my pain on paper.
i quickly open the cover to the book i'm reading and shove it in... hoping to come back to it later and add even more words; there are so many more... i rush to get a shower while i have barely an ounce of energy.
MINUS the large X and the word, ''LIES," all of these words, i am feeling inside. nothing good. nothing. i cannot find one thing good.
i spend an extra long time in the shower... this mom does that due the sheer number of days between that daunting task. why does a shower seem to hard sometimes? some days time just runs out and others are filled with the thought that i will have to look in the mirror afterward; something i hate to do. the face peeling reminds me that i haven't nearly enough water in this body.
the tears coming quickly- i try to stifle the sobs in my hands so my children won't hear me through the door. tears heal and heavy chest-heaving sobs hit me after the water turns off- standing still in the shower with a towel over my face as i thought about those people i thought loved me as true friends. even now as i write it takes all i can to hold back the glassy pools from spilling over onto the keyboard....
i compose myself long enough to finish drying and step out.
THIS is what i see, laying before me on the bathroom counter...
read THOSE words.
"oh GOD!!!" ....these were the only words i could think to say- my Father's love for me, spilled out on paper- brought me to my knees. my joel, my love- he had found what i had been writing and took it upon himself to speak TRUTH into my life... at a time i was allowing the lies of the enemy to pour in at every angle... for days, weeks..months-
the reason i am writing this- is that if you are like me and have found yourself in a trap of lies.... even though, like me, you KNOW all there is to know about positive self talk etc, etc.... there is a way to freedom....
John 8:32, "Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE!"
letting the TRUTH of God's Word wash over me- is the only thing that will set my mind straight, and free.
i will be swimming in that truth until i can get back on the shore and KNOW, truly know, and BELIEVE it.
i can't be the only one going through this.... i hope you see that you too are loved, redeemed, forgiven... if you are a child of the KING. and if you are not, don't live in that kind of self hate, fear and pain any longer. i know too well how that feels.
believe, and ask Jesus in.