LIES

it always seems like so long between posts here. it has to be something pretty important nowadays, to make it onto this blog, so stick with me a few minutes if you would.

i want to be real with you all and tell you that there are things i struggle with on a daily basis... and they've been not only catching up with me, but overtaking me. 

yesterday... well... it was a really bad day. i felt myself sinking low. thoughts of sadness in large portions flooded my heart and mind. i can't really say that i have ANYthing to be sad about, other than the normal things us momma's stew over.... -whether we will have ample time to teach our children well enough before they are gone, and if they'll stay on the path we have dug hard to make for them. -how long before i turn back to healthy ways of feeding my body, so that when i look in the mirror i don't feel shame and regret. -how can i trust my children wont tire of the chaos that envelopes our home; having two parents who are not schedule driven by any means.... -how can those i thought were friends; those i've spent time ministering to, and getting ministered from, turn and walk away and not look back and not seem to care that my heart is left gaping, wondering why; how can you sever me from the body and not notice the bleeding?

worry, fear, pain, regret... whoa... like, LOTS of regret here in this soul. when it all comes hard, and the lessons i am trying to grasp and use and fight to uphold seem to slip like sand through the fingers...... it comes. empty. knowing there is nothing left in your thoughts that is healthy, pure, lovely and certainly not of God.

in a frantic hurry i must write it all down. i quickly grab a pencil and paper and slip into my room as hoping no one noticed. i sketch out the shape of a head, even having to erase the nose and mouth a few times. still is a struggle..ugh-perfectionism. all these words i think, i feel, i seem to be living everyday... more and more things rush in as i start to hear them, almost audibly now as i quickly sketch out my pain on paper.

i quickly open the cover to the book i'm reading and shove it in... hoping to come back to it later and add even more words; there are so many more... i rush to get a shower while i have barely an ounce of energy. 

MINUS the large X and the word, ''LIES," all of these words, i am feeling inside. nothing good. nothing. i cannot find one thing good.  

i spend an extra long time in the shower... this mom does that due the sheer number of days between that daunting task. why does a shower seem so hard sometimes? some days time just runs out and others are filled with the thought that i will have to look in the mirror afterward; something i hate to do. the face peeling reminds me that i haven't nearly enough water in this body.

the tears coming quickly- i try to stifle the sobs in my hands so my children won't hear me through the door. tears heal and heavy chest-heaving sobs hit me after the water turns off- standing still in the shower with a towel over my face as i thought about those people i thought loved me as true friends. even now as i write it takes all i can to hold back the glassy pools from spilling over onto the keyboard....
i compose myself long enough to finish drying and step out.

THIS is what i see, laying before me on the bathroom counter...

read THOSE words.

"oh GOD!!!" ....these were the only words i could think to say- my Father's love for me, spilled out on paper- brought me to my knees. my joel, my love- he had found what i had been writing and took it upon himself to speak TRUTH into my life... at a time i was allowing the lies of the enemy to pour in at every angle... for days, weeks..months-

the reason i am writing this- is that if you are like me and have found yourself in a trap of lies.... even though, like me, you KNOW all there is to know about positive self talk etc, etc.... there is a way to freedom....

John 8:32, "Then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE!"

letting the TRUTH of God's Word wash over me- is the only thing that will set my mind straight, and free. 

i will be swimming in that truth until i can get back on the shore and KNOW, truly know, and BELIEVE it. 

i can't be the only one going through this.... i hope you see that you too are loved, redeemed, forgiven... if you are a child of the KING. and if you are not, don't live in that kind of self hate, fear and pain any longer. i know too well how that feels.

believe, and ask Jesus in.

EEEK!

it may have been awhile since my last post... but there is a reason... a GREAT reason! THIS is what i've been 'up to.' 

a craft weekend getaway... ahhhh......

go check it out!

'CRAFT LIBERATION!'

 

catching up some

i'm a wee bit scared. this has become so foreign to me... blogging. i don't even recognize how to post, as everything has changed so much. it's been just a tad bit of time since i last blogged. i would hope that it was because when you have a baby, the world stops for a while as you marvel in God's amazing handiwork. life has changed a lot since my last post... the baby will be two in september. joel told me today that if it weren't for him seeing the birth with his own two eyes, he would think she was adopted. i laughed. it's somewhat true. she is so completely different than any of my children. she is our sweet and sour, our spit-fire.... the one who never sits and will someday make a heck of a wife and mommy. the other children were thrown into being homeschooled this year and did well, considering the drastic change. the moment the last test was scored, i broke down in tears. i did it. all these years i knew i wanted all my children home with me, and it had come to pass. how in the world did we make it through? how did we get anything accomplished with amara in the house, and joel working morning shift at starbucks. well, we didn't do it. He did. the ONE who called us to do it, was all we needed. if it weren't for the guidance and grace of God, i don't think i could do it again. it was TOUGH.... the most challenging thing i've ever done, but the most rewarding as well. He better show up in the fall when we start again, or i'm in trouble. hee.

a quick blurry pic during the first day of school

there have been a lot of smaller life changes this year. joel's business, Track7 DJ, has grown so much that he had to hire a partner to take more gigs. it's been so fun to watch his hard work pay off and i couldn't be more blessed that he is home with us during the week. i get to sit outside and have coffee with my man every morning. who get's to do that? so spoiled. i try so hard not to take that for granted. i can't imagine how quickly i'd fall apart if he worked a normal day job. ugh.

i met an amazing family this year, that has changed me. truly. i have so much to say about them, that i will have to post again soon just to touch on them and the affect they have all had on me and my family just know that you have brought me JOY, Young family.

i started teaching sewing classes once and awhile at this amazing shop. i'm grateful for the friends and my man who encouraged me to step out and do something i love. it's been so fun... but i'm not sure it's for me yet. i guess it's easy to get down on myself, thinking i'm never prepared enough, i forget things my students remind me of, and i'm not sure i can compete on a emotional level with the caliber of woman from up on the 'north side'... nor do i think i want to. there are a few that are passionate like me, then there are some that i believe are learning to sew, to add another 'notch' in their thin designers womans' belt. anyways....

speaking of that fabulous love of mine, here are a three of my all time FAVE projects i have worked on since my last post...

commissioned KING sized quilt that i HATED to part with. my husband and i were standing on chairs with our arms above our heads to hold this thing. it was massive! i pieced it all and my amazing friend Anne, from texas, free-motioned quilted it. she blew me away when i opened the box. from indiana to texas, back to indy and onto florida... she's been around, this beauty. wish she were mine.

 

a birthday gift i made for my sister... wrapping is fabric and mod-podge on cute little box

this is a small piece of birch bark. the holes were made by a rascaly woodpecker. i found it in a special place i love in wisconsin. i found two, so my sister and i have matching necklaces. one of the most meaningful pieces i've made.

my all time favorite 'kellie' bag.... 'cause it's actually mine.

so all the really important things i needed to get out tonight will have to wait. i will say that God has been stirring my heart for change. a shallow life in Him is not one at all.... so it's time to get even deeper. i'm finding my 'part' in the body may be something different than i expected.... but it's a good thing. i need more. more of Him, less of this human effort to please God for others' sake. tiring of the masks, the show, the way we 'schedule' God into church. if it's supposed to be ALL about Him, then why isn't it? time to grow... change is coming. i'm telling God, "bring it!" i'm SO ready for more.

Life is like Coffee - a little movie for you

Life is like Coffee Movie:

this little movie describes my life intentions so well... enjoy... it's just a few quick minutes long :)

before. after. then. now.

before.

after.

then.

now.

It's Finished!

made from a vintage sheet and napkins, with some 'new vintage' prints added in, I LOVE THIS BABY QUILT! now if i would just have this baby girl...... (11 days overdue)

Did I Really Do This?

Just wondering if I really pieced and pressed this quilt top in one day? I mean, I did it on my due date, August 28th....so I'm thinking I was hormonal or something- it just isn't like me to actually get a project done in one day. I think it took longer to lay out the pattern than sew the thing together. However, I LOVE IT, and I can't wait to give it to our baby girl, who, by prediction from her Grandpa, will arrive tomorrow, September 1st.

We'll see!!!

quick-n-cute baby gift

A few weeks ago, a friend contacted me about making a baby shower gift. She wanted some burp diapers and a nursing cover. These make for super cute gifts and are very easy to make too! The hardest part was picking out gender neutral fabric; I think it all turned out super cute! 

I use this great tutorial anytime I'm asked to make a nursing cover.

For Baby Evan

 
Here is just a quick glimpse of the baby gifts I made for my dear friend Traci who is welcoming baby Evan into this world in a few weeks. I used the pattern for the booties out of this amazing book that my friend Teresa gave me (I will be forever grateful). Traci and Kenny aren't your typical Baby Blue parents.... I would have to say they are more of Rocker Red! So I tried to find fabric that reminded me of their style and I think it works well.

 

Congrats girl-I can't wait to meet him!

The Great Goodwill Find and a matching clutch and shoe re-do!

I found this amazing little yellow silky dress at Goodwill a couple months ago. It being a size 14, I knew it would eventually fit my big baby belly, hopefully in time to attend a friends' wedding. I spent a lot of time thinking about what shoes would look good with yellow, and even looked a few places only to find nothing. Also, I really can't imagine spending more than $10 on shoes for a one time event, so I started to brainstorm on how I could transform something I already had....then it hit me! MOD PODGE! I love that stuff! I have never used it on shoes before but I knew my faithful crafty friend would come through for me once again. My sweets surprised me one day with some of Heather Bailey's Nicey Jane fat quarters and they just happened to match the yellow perfectly! I started by making a ruffle clutch first and loved the fabric so much I knew I had to attempt the shoes. It took me a few days to finish; I wasn't sure if I could do it.....but I finally finished! And I couldn't be more happy with the outcome! Check it out!

The $4.99 Goodwill dress of inspiration:

 

BEFORE:

AFTER!!!

The Whole Ensemble:

Friday is our 11th anniversary....I never got to go to the wedding mentioned above, so I think I'll have to wear this out with Joel. I LOVE IT!

(oh- here we are on our date!) 

 (no- that's not a yellow umbrella- it's my baby belly!)
:)